One of my biggest difficulties is letting go of things when they no longer serve me. Oftentimes, somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, I know that it would be the best thing for me to simply let go and yet, I don’t. I hold on and sometimes that inability to move on ends up really hurting me. I recently reached a breaking point with someone I’d drifted apart from when they came back into my life.
Simply put, this person is just someone who is a toxic influence on me. I don’t like who I am when they’re around and even my friends are able to see what this person does to me. It was the same exact thing as before and I knew that it would be. It takes a hell of a lot of effort to work on yourself and to become a less shitty person, both of which I knew this person wasn’t capable of doing and hadn’t done yet. So why did I let them back in? Because I fall for the potential in a person rather than focusing on the hard facts.
“I fall for words rather than actions and that was my mistake.”I fall for words rather than actions and that was my mistake. What every good, healthy relationship/friendship/long-lasting human connection needs is equal input of effort from both parties. In this case, I was the party who cared more, just like before. This person was and continues to simply be all talk and no effort. Their words don’t mean much because their actions don’t back them up. I know that now and I knew it going into this, but part of me wants to believe that the potential I see in someone can come to fruition.
In reflecting on what happened, I don’t regret letting this person back in. Whether or not it’s actually true, I learned about how they felt about me. And while those words were nice to hear in the moment, it finally resonated with me how they really felt about me when again, I wasn’t worth their effort. Saying you want someone in your life is vastly different from making sure that someone is in your life. This person and my experiences with them will continue to stay with me. They made me see what is really worth keeping around.
So right now, I’m focusing on how to be okay with things not being okay. This isn’t a new philosophy. Things don’t always work out the way you want them to, and that’s okay. But it takes constant effort to realize that and to practice that belief. And Drake’s “Too Good” really helped me get through the initial wave of emotions. Its lyrics truly embodied how I felt in regards to this person when I was constantly playing the song on repeat. They were never going to put in the effort that I wanted them to. I see that now and I think I’m at peace with that. Some people just aren’t meant to stick around but you let go, and you move on.
“I don’t know how to talk to you,
I just know I find myself getting lost with you,
Lately you just make me work too hard for you,
Got me on flights overseas, and I still can’t get across to you.”